And they'll know we are Christians by our love

Remember that song? My husband claims to have never heard it. And I had forgotten it until I read it as a bit of a sarcastic comment regarding a judgemental post by an evangelist recently.

This week my husband described a sin he struggles with as a bear on the other side of the fence at all times. You have to make sure that you keep the gate of the fence locked and secured. Always. My struggle throughout my Christian walk has been gossip and passing judgement. It is the bear on the other side of my fence.

For years people knew I was a Christian because I said so if they knew at all or because I had a poor opinion of you if you weren't. Did anyone know I was a Christian because of the love I showed them? Prolly not.

 When asked to answer what God had delivered me from this week at small group I'm hesitant to say I've been delivered from this bear.

Overall, God has brought me leaps and bounds in how I treat and love new people I meet. I've become great at finding the good in people But it's those people in my past, people who the old me judged and talked about for years. The ones whose dirty laundry I knew and the ones who know mine. It was my defense mechanism I suppose.

And if I'm honest, the bear on the other side of my fence isn't a little cub. He's a big ass grizzly. He knows how to have sweet eyes to entice me over and look all cute. He knows the names of the people who, when brought up I'm likely to tense up and have a snappy comment about.

So I'm working on it. God is helping me build a higher fence and a more secure gate. But I know this bear will be there as long as I am here. He will not go away and just when I get comfortable enough to let my guard down he will show up, hungry.

I'm working on finding the good in those people that I think may not have much. Because God found it in me when there was next to none. I hope He's helping people to know I am His by the love I show.

Where is there a safe place?

As I sit here unable to breath through my nose with a randomly swollen right eye that won't fully open I'm thinking deep. Deep and a little fuzzy from a Nyquil hangover.

I just read this post over at my very very favorite blog; Flower Patch Farmgirl. It's an old post but I just stumbled upon it today and it made me think of some recent conversations. One with a friend and one with a sister.

Where is the place you feel comfortable sharing your struggles and asking for prayers and good thoughts? The place you know you can do that without judgement or fear of gossip? Is it a church? A small group? Your family?

I think I am more honest than most about struggles I've had or that Drew and I have had but even I find myself not blogging about things that we have faced and God brought us through for fear that it will spark some sort of discussion among people about our wrongdoings. I fear that rather than celebrating with us and being thankful, judgement will be passed and inevitably our faith/marriage/sanity questioned.

I worry that certain addictions/struggles/issues are often kept under wraps in the church for fear of judgement. I understand there is a fine line between asking for prayers and airing dirty laundry but there should be a place, a people or at the very least a person to go to with heavy hearts.

Where that person/people will talk to God about it rather than others. Our biggest misconception as Christians, in my opinion, is that we must struggle alone. Especially about certain hang-ups. I think most of us agree we're willing to ask for prayers for medical issues or for searching for a job.

But what about the Christian struggling with an eating disorder? Alcoholism? Depression? How do we, as Christians view those particular struggles? Am I the kind of person someone would feel comfortable asking to pray for them or support them or would they fear I would use such information to gossip or simply use it to feel a bit better about myself because I don't struggle with that particular issue?

This post is for me probably more than anyone. But I want to be that person and I'm trying to be. It takes a lot of re-working of my brain. I loved what flower patch farmgirl said about 'when the dirt flies in the middle, people get uncomfortable. no one knows how to deal.'

Sometimes dirt flies in the middle of our Christian walk. We aren't always the result of some great conversion story, never to be tempted again. Dirt flies forever. As long as we are on this earth.

But, I vow to try and be a safe place.

Shades of Gray

Do not fear. I have not read nor do I intend to blog about the pornography that is 50 Shades. The Gray (or is it grey?) that I'm referring to is where things in my life are.

It has become increasingly apparent that life is not black and white. There isn't always a clear right and wrong. And for so long my mind took comfort in thinking that I had such a good handle on the concept of "right." Our world is so screwed up. Our system is failing somehow. And direct blame cannot be placed on any individual who has held office. It's just a fact and no one is fixing it.

Drew and I worked at the Food Pantry tonight and people are hungry. HUNGRY. Do you understand that word? There are people in our world, in our country and in our towns who are not getting enough to eat! My narrow mind cannot comprehend what this means and how deep this goes.

How selfish do I look when I complain about going 4 days without hot water this week? Shame on me for ever complaining about ANYTHING!

I don't know why this is coming out of me tonight. Maybe it's the food pantry but I don't think that can be all of it. I don't know what's right anymore. What is the right choice for our country? I don't have that answer and frankly neither do either of the candidates I saw on TV Wednesday night.

How did we get here? How did our world (not our nation I'm so sick of the America shit I could puke) get to this point? Are we not called to be better than this? Whether you believe in God or not you, we have a calling as the human race to be better than we have been.

I don't have a solution I just know so much is screwed up. I hear it in my education classes, I hear it on the news, I'm reading it in articles about Appalachia. We took a wrong turn somewhere and I believe that turn was inward. A turn towards ourselves and what we require. If I sit and think on my selfishness it is disgusting.

Sorry for the negativity but I just felt that I needed a post that wasn't an update of the rainbows and butterflies of my life. The real Meghan is living in a shade of grey (gray?) not knowing right from wrong. Struggling with a lot. Struggling with God. Struggling with coal. Struggling with education. Struggling with myself.